At the end of every year, I ask myself if I should keep writing. Pretending I’m only writing for myself. To entertain one or two people out there who read one of my fiction books. To info share to the occasional person who reads my blog. To help educate the rare people interested in tinnitus-hyperacusis world and preventable noise damage.
“If it makes you happy, you should keep doing it,” say my beta readers.
It’s not making me happy.
Harsh reviews batter inside my head, crushing my heart, and leaving me wiping tears away for too many hours of every day.
Reviewers take free copies, saying they’re excited to read Tinnitus Toolbox Hyperacusis Handbook. But to paraphrase, it’s a huge disappointment. I barfed up the internet in a disorganized, unprofessional, and irresponsible mess that doesn’t include one helpful bit of information.
Sharing my history of suicide attempts and suggesting people work closely with their medical professionals to find drugs that don’t make depression worse-or find effective coping tools so they can wean off drugs-destroyed any value in the book. Oh wait. There’s nothing helpful in the book.
I know. I know. I should just ignore the haters. But hate piles up. Different people on every platform from emails to twitter keep telling me over and over:
- nobody cares about tinnitus or hyperacusis
- nobody cares about hearing loss
- nobody cares about noise
- nobody cares about science
I was going to write another book or workbook on community noise to raise awareness about how it’s killing us all from the moment of conception to early death. But the indifference and hate have frozen me. My stacks of research and early drafts sit with no progress.
What’s the point of writing anything that nobody cares about.
April 15, 2019 Update: I’ve been weaning off my anti-depressant Wellbutrin since 2018. Apparently I weaned off too much. Am back on a daily dose. I’m happy I’m taking over 50% less than in 2018, but have doubts I can come off it completely.
Note: I don’t get high on a Saturday night. Otherwise the lyrics speak to me.